So there’s a certain point in time after surgery that you have to stop and take a moment and realize you just had surgery. It’s one of those moments that you just become overwhelmed with emotion but at the same time you just have to sigh in relief because finally your complete. Finally you can breathe without any worry, without any doubt, without any fear you can just be you. There was a day probably about 2 weeks post op  that I just stopped  and had to reflect…

“wow I finally have what I have been fighting for!”

To reach down and feel yourself finally seems natural to so many people but for somebody that’s just getting what they need it’s the most mind-boggling experience of your life. It’s one of those self appreciation moments without the adult material but just reflection surely and solely on the fact that you are one within yourself finally. To be fully aware of your genitals no longer being a figment of your well made thoughts hopes and dreams but to truthfully be within the right anatomical space it just leaves you a bit speechless.

Like a parent with a newborn you must take the time to get to know you again.  To become at peace with you again as the healing process is far from a walk in the park and can leave you a tad bit warn.  So many emotions run through you at first that it’s hard but it has been something I agreed to do from the very start.  Is to set aside that time each day for self appreciation and just getting to know and understand my anatomy.  Many think instantly of pornographic material, how ever fun that maybe lol, that’s not what I’m talking about. I had to take the time to stand fully nude in the mirror and see myself for everything that I always wanted to see staring back at me.  I look right past the scars and I see the perfect perception of myself  finally. To say I have reached that point all within itself is something to be proud of. Physically holding my penis in my hand feeling the tug it gives to my body that sends signals to my brain letting me know it’s present that’s the most amazing phenomenon to me. Looking over my penis to learn it’s curves and different variations feeling the warmth and knowing it’s not a packer or anything like that and keeps my body temperature is mind blowing. I love myself  finally fully from head to toe and it’s taken a long time and alot of tears to get here. But what’s love without the honesty?

I think so many people get caught up in the surgical portions they forget the aftermath. They forget they have to bond with themselves and their new addition. Especially within the first few month when your penis is pretty insensanate for the most part (this highly varies person to person on when you get sensation back) and you have to play the sensation test game. In this time I’m learning new things about me and my expectations from healing and overall life with my new addition. Spending this time and literally making Thor my best friend.  It seems odd but when there is no bond between yourself and your new penis I’ve seen many get what is almost like post partum and regret everything and get really depressed. So in order to avoid this from happening I prepared myself.  I spent alot of pre  op time making peace with my legs and making peace with what soon would be. I believe it’s saved me alot of stress and post op traumatic experience.  As for some I think the process is literally a shock to ones system and it takes longer for them to adjust then they first thought.  As well as post op depression can last way longer then anyone can anticipate simply due to all the possible ups and downs with healing..  Admittedly that was something I had ton fully wrap my head around all these years… The what ifs. But there comes a time in life when you have to stop living in fear and just take a chance. And these past 7 years have taught me so so so much about just living and taking a chance. Some turned out horrible but for the most part as they say  everything happens for a reason and a season and I’m thankful for the good and the bad. It’s allowed me to think ahead and prepare for the worst even when I’m guaranteed the best,  because we’ll let’s face it unless it’s the Lord himself nothing is guaranteed for us.

I take pride in the man I am  and I went back and forth about this for a while but I’m perfectly fine and no longer even care who knows, who may happen to see me naked, who may happen to have issues with my life or what surgery I choose to complete that because truly I have one judge and no one on this earth can change that. I live to make me happy and do good deeds everything else is circumstantial. Being without a kick of dysphoria has definitely changed me, my outlook on life, and the way I express myself  it’s amazing what 34 days with what I’ve needed my entire life has changed so much about everything. Life never felt so beautiful  to me and to think I haven’t even got to explore post surgery yet. It’s like a whole new door of options in my life has opened wide and welcoming me right on in.  I had to look back at my original transition  time line from when I was 14…i really am spot on when I say I want something done I go get it done and then some! Almost 14 years later and I’m right where I wanted to be.  So what I’m lacking in some areas that others deem I’m supposed to be up on, my journey inside transition and out of is still my own and I dictate what happens and when with a bit of help from the bug man up stairs. I have to remind myself due to other people’s expectations of me that I still am only 26 years old and have done what many only dream of and that in itself is an accomplishment that I will and am going to be proud of.  I found myself not wanting to share my surgical  success due to not wanting to feel like I’m bragging. But you know what I’ve earned every bit of who I am and I’m going to be proud of that as well. So I’m going to share as much  and as little as I choose and no longer be afraid or ashamed.  Because someone somewhere is reading these thoughts and advice that I give and it’s changing their life for the better.

I found I had a stand off with myself being apart of the active community. I was getting pretty bent out of shape and I realize for every person that twists me the wrong way there’s 10 people to replace them and 10 more to stand by my side and get things done properly. As they say there is more then one way to skin a snake and that’s what life is all about.  I don’t have to be the face of anything as my words and voice speak volumes. There are alot of things I plan on doing to stay involved but not in the same ways as I did before and I’m excited about that as well.  Such a shame I almost let idiots ruin my mission that I started almost 7 years ago… To tell the truth by any means necessary. Because we as a community deserve the truth and no longer should have to get sub par care in any way shape or form… But that’s another story for another day…

Moral of this post is, I appreciate myself and I appreciate this journey I’ve been through and I look forward to turning the page to close this book and writing the preface for the next adventure known as…. “My Life”

Until next time…

Salaam

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Comments
  1. judenc says:

    This was incredibly powerful. I loved how you spoke about making that connection, seeing and feeling your body the way it should be, the way it should have been. Your comment about how so many others take certain things for granted struck a cord as I recently blogged about using a public restroom – something people also take for granted. It’s odd how these things, great and small, come to light when one transitions. Best of luck with your surgical recovery.

    • Sir Vertigo says:

      Thank you Jude. I try to keep it as unfiltered as possible as withholding the truth only hurts others in the long run. There needs to be a clear cut reality. I want to demystify this procedure just like I did with meta. I am now vlogging again on YouTube telling facts about this procedure over all and all about myself and my feelings. I’ve never felt better and I’m glad that I did not have am extreme spiral of emotions. As things improve so does my state of mind and we’ll being.

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