Single digit thoughts…

Posted: September 10, 2014 in update

*Another staggered post, by now I’m in the OR 🙂 *

So it’s officially  9 days pre-op (aka 9 until I am post-op) and it’s currently 12 am.  I’m just laying here taking it all in. Every now and again smiling like a creep lol. It’s just hard to fully describe how I’m feeling at this point.

So many thoughts race through my head every moment. The known unknowns are exciting but at the same time leave me with the “what if”  feeling.  Not in a bad way but like what if I wake up so freaking happy I can’t stop crying lol. I have this feeling I’m going to wake up and say something outlandish. I’ll have to take note of that for my post op notes. I’ll have someone with me this go round so they will be able to tell me everything I missed while I’m in la la land on the good happy juice lol.

That is something I do dread, ugh pain meds. Yes they do their job fantastically however the side effects are a pain in my arse. I just really sincerely hope I am not nauseous as all hell when I wake up.  I was actually really good after meta and I know they had me doped up fairly well (still say serbian pain meds are stronger lol), so hopefully Lord willing I’ll wake up like I did every other time begging for food and mad because they won’t feed me lol. I know I can’t have food for basically two days (day before surgery light food, day of surgery no food, and part of the day after surgery no food ugh)  but I understand it is for my own good and overall safety just in case there needs to be any trips back to the OR. First thing I’m going to want right away is water but I know it’s better for me to have ginger ale to kill some of the acid that will be just sitting on my stomach. Hope they don’t give me crap about wanting that first but when you know your body you just freaking know. But I’ll take water, Gatorade, Apple or cranberry 🙂 long as it goes down and stays there lol.

And then there’s the thoughts of the dopler. For those unaware, think of ultrasound for when you’re having a baby and you hear the heart beat and all that good stuff.  Well they do the same on a smaller scale with the phallus.  About every hour for the first few days they (nurses)  will come in and check the blood flow of the penis. They do this by ultrasound it looks like a little metal rod and they take the goo and place it on a stitch at the base of the phallus that crane leaves as a guide (it later devolves). I know in that moment I’m probably gonna be all teary eyed.  Hearing that heart beat for the first time is going to bring to life everything I ever prayed for and make every night I sat up stressed and worried well worth it. Hearing the life line is also a notification of success! So many people down the phalloplasty process but there is soooooooo  much rich information out there. I wish more people would take time to inform themselves so more Dr’s like Crane will come out the woodwork. I can not thank him enough for the gift I am about to receive!

Ugh and I’m finding it harder than ever to freaking sleep now lls. I just want the whole day to flipping  pass so that way I can be another hour closer! But I have to get my rest pre op lab work  in the am well later! Have to love Kaiser it’s so Sunday but the lab is totally open 7 days a week as long as my Labs are ordered I just show up when I want get my blood drawn and then I’m on with my day. And to make it even better I get my results within a few hours so there’s no delays and I can get them over to Katrina (Cranes coordinating RN) before surgery.  At this point I’ve been without my T 2.5 weeks got lazy and didn’t take my last shot before I had to stop lol.  So we shall see what my levels are but other than that I know they will be just fine as per usual. I just wish this procedure  would get here my allergies are killing me and I can’t take a thing!

OK let me try and rest lol, I’ll write more later as things come to me.  These next few posts are basically vent sessions lol. So excuse me now for totally and complete randomness.  As these are all thoughts that may come at once or little by little.

Until next post…


  1. Tam says:

    I’m so happy you are doing well and in great spirits! I’m right behind you in a couple months and hope to meet you in person.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s