10 days until Meta and in my feelings

Posted: November 29, 2010 in Bottom Surgery, Changes, depression, Male Ego, Metiodioplasty, POC = People Of Color, post t, Pre-op, Transgender, update

So I’m having all kinds of emotions going on in my head right now. I’m happy because this medical transition is finally coming to an end. I’m sad because my used to be other half is treating me like grade A shit and wont let me maintain the bond I have with my son. I’m nervous because I’m going alone, but im a soldier so I will be ok.

It’s just so much mixed in there at once at times it gets overwhelming as all hell. I really don’t have anyone to talk to about much deeper things and I choose not to blog about those things so that makes it even worse. Some people just don’t know how badly they affect you when they treat you like shit.

Thank god I have decent friends that keep me going, with out all of them I’m not sure exactly what state I would be in right now honestly. I’m supposed to be overwhelmed with happiness and acceptance. Instead im just lulled into a state of situational contentment. This seems to happen to me all the time, just makes me really sit and wonder what is wrong with me? Why is it that no one seems to want to stay around even when things get rough, isn’t that what loves about? Did I miss the memo when love and relationships were perfect? I didn’t know they were, I didn’t know because im not perfect and I didn’t know anyone was.

I guess im living in a fairytale thinking that its ok to be myself in a relationship. The things she’s done to me honestly has me scared to even let anyone get close to me. But I honestly think that was her mission. How can you love and are about someone but treat them as if they are beneath the shit that’s on your shoe? How can you love and care from someone but torture them and literally take the only thing that de-stresses them away? How can you love and care for someone but yet never take the time to see how that person is being affected mentally, emotionally, or physically by your actions?

Maybe i missed the memo once again, maybe its just me. Maybe I don’t deserve to be loved im just supposed to be happy alone. Honestly speaking I’m not, I wish I could turn my feelings for her off then all of this wouldn’t hurt as much. But I guess when you think you know someone you never really do until all their lies come to the surface in the form of a big constant smack in the face. I don’t know why I constantly give people my all for years and just because it’s not the way they expect me to show my feelings im wrong. I guess im supposed to act like everyone else in the world, guess im not allowed to be an individual at all.

Recovery for me is going to be one serious ball of emotions. I foresee a lot of xanax during recovery as well as a lot of insomnia which i know is far from good. I try to not stress how badly broken I am but the fact of the matter is it’s still there at the end of the day. when im all alone and there’s no one to talk to, i break. I cry and i try to hide it but that’s what a person that really has feelings attached does in the wake of being treated beneath a human being. I kinda feel numb and useless, and i know I shouldnt but that’s how she’s left me. Does she care? nope…Does she think she’s wrong? nope…I’m the one who’s irrational because im expressing my hurt, I’m the one who’s tripping because I just want to her to stop treating me like shit, I’m the one who’s wrong and I just want to speak to my son and I have to beg for days for that to even happen. Smh, how am I wrong for being man enough to express my pain?

These are all the hurts that will keep me by myself. I can’t let go of how I feel because there was no closure. I can’t let anyone get close enough to me where anything gets past friendship. I’m just all screwed the hell up and at times feel like I just want to disappear and never come back ever ever ever again, the ultimate stealth. Where did I go wrong? Where did i fuck up that bad to deserve to be dehumanized? I wish I didn’t have feelings at all then maybe my life would go a lot smoother.

So much for a happy ending…

I leave on the 7th flight is at 6:50 pm connecting flight is in Zürich 8:40 am(the time difference is going to kill me), ill be there 3 hours and 40 mins. Then from Zürich to Belgrade where I will be picked up by either one of the dr’s or a driver and taken to the surgical apartment to unload my stuff so I can meet with the Dr’s. I am excited about meeting the team we have been talking for years and they are the nicest people I have ever met.

So for now all my other crappy feelings i have to find a way to bury some how so i can be ok or the next 7-8 weeks. I’ll be online while in Belgrade, so feel free to leave messages, comments, etc etc.

until next time…

Salaam

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Comments
  1. I know it will all work out and I look forward to laughing at you while you are high as a kite on anesthesia and pain meds!

  2. QC says:

    Keep your chin up, man. You’ll be alright.

  3. 写这篇非常感谢,这是unbelieveably信息,并告诉我一吨

  4. Kyoshi-K says:

    Oh my goodness…I am dealing with the same feelings. My only exception is that I don’t have any kids with her. I really felt it when you said that when you express your feelings and you’re being seen as irrational and not someone who was hurt. Man sometimes people don’t see the hurt that they put others through and it makes it worse when you know that they are capable of looking at things from others perspective but choose not to do so. People have been telling me that things will get better and I wonder just like you, but ultimately I think it will force people like us, who have no closure, to really close up. I am proud that you’re able to complete your medical transition some of us will not be able to. Everything that you are feeling is normal and hopefully one day you won’t be able to feel like this anymore.

    Much Love,
    Kyoshi-K

    • toyneboi says:

      Yes sir it is alot to go through but when you make it throuh the hardships no matter the odds thats when things really start to make sense. I know Im a good man and one day it wil be beyond evident to more then myself and the select few that know me very well. Some people get lost in thier own emotional turmoil and loss sense of what they have as well. I see that more of whats really happening in this situaton.

      But everything I want to fullfill my physical and medical transition so I am very happy with where I am in my ife. Now all I must do is elevate my career to highs beyond my expectations. Im redy for the task 😀

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