Soul Searching: The Path to Comfort

Posted: August 29, 2010 in Changes, Discrimination, Dysphoria, Growth, Male Ego, POC = People Of Color, Transgender

There comes a time in my life where I have to sit and reflect on everything that has happened and everything that is still to come. I sometimes find myself saying, “What IF I really honestly did not love myself?”. I find the thought of that a bit frightening because for me IF I did not love myself then a lot that I have going for myself at this point would never have been put into the works. I feel that I would have been dormant within my own transition trying to battle myself against the realities of the life I lead.

Like with anything in my life I have taken time to prepare myself not just physically but mentally and emotionally for the hardships of this transformation. Understanding how I am inside and out helped me find a place that is comfortable and to feel at one with myself. For a long time I did not truly understand what it was to “be at one with self” but as I grew and understood more that was the only possible way I could ever love myself truthfully. I knew these steps were very necessary in order for me to successfully transition. Because in fact transition is not just a physical process you need to be mentally capable of handling all that comes with it and accepting the many harsh realities of it.

One large reality that I had to accept long ago was the reality of me not being able to do some of the physical cis-male things, such as produce another life. To many that may not even be relevant but to be a person that loves children and never being able to have one of my own is a very very hard thing to deal with. Coming to terms with that I understand that does not make me any less of a man nor does that make me any less of a father/role model figure. Any Man can produce a seed but it takes a real man to raise it, nourish it, and watch them grow beyond his own set limits. Adoption and insemination are the reality of my fatherhood and I accept that whole heartedly. On the flip-side of that knowing that my genitalia will match my foreseen views and functionality alleviates a lot of that. Also knowing and understanding the statistical facts behind the many cis-males that are incapable of reproduction as well as the number of men with micro-penis syndrome and many other conditions that leave them with a significantly smaller penis puts me at ease. In all actuality I have NOTHING to be ashamed of, I am who I am that is my reality. The normality of me is the differences I have, that is my normal.

I found out in my younger years comparison of who I am to anyone else was only hindering me and doing extreme damage to my self-esteem. I had to let go of this conception of “normal” that had been pushed upon me from a small child and understand what normal really was. No one on this earth is normal that’s just a stone cold fact. Society is the one that pushes the ill notions of what normal should be when in fact there are no true basis for this word. So when I sat and just thought about it truly and whole heartedly I am just as normal as anyone else my differences just make a unique person. Honestly speaking I have always like to be different is makes me, me and gives me something to be proud of.

Many have told me I should be ashamed of who and what I am. Well who I am is a man, so if i have to be ashamed then so does the billions of other men in this world. What I am is a strong educated black man with a heart mind and soul like no other that just happens to be transgendered, I should be ashamed why again? Trying to conform to societal ways of brainwashing and conditioning is the only thing I ever need to be ashamed of. I can only be me and that is all that I will ever be, that was my moment of clarity. That is when I knew my path for happiness would ONLY come from within me and how I feel about ME. There is no physical change that can change my internal feelings in regards to my reality. No matter what I would of had done on the outer shell those feelings would have remained unless I first took the time to express and disconnect myself from the crap I had drilled into my head.

Just like there is no one way to be masculine. That crap there also kept me in a box for a long time. I get shunned upon for not having this and not having that but why do i need any kind of material thing to validate my masculinity? Who is making these rules, these are the people that really need to be questioned when it comes to morals and/or values of a prosperous life. It’s not about what you have it’s about who you are and how you carry yourself. A true man needs no validation he just is. I don’t need to be overly masculine to validate who I am, nor sound overly masculine, nor look overly masculine because when I walk in the room my aura screams that of a grown man. That right there is all I need and will ever need.

Finding, understanding, and accepting those key facts within myself made every little piece of my transition fit in place right where I needed them to. Realization was in fact my first part of physical transformation not T. I needed to realize more first before the transition, I needed to realize myself first before taking T, I needed to realize myself first before surgery and the fact that I did this lead me to my place of comfort within.

Without that place I would be lost and probably very bitter about everything even now with being as advanced as I am within my transition. There would still be feelings of sour that I would not be able to denounce and that would slowly but surely eat away at my core. I accept everything I am and everything I am not and I am just fine with coming to terms with these harsh but very real facts. Fact is my physical transition is only a small piece of my full transition, changing the physical only allows me to be happy within myself within the mirror and be perceive as I see myself. As far as my mental and emotional changes it has no large bearing only realization could change that and it did.

My root to happiness was realization, my root to comfort was physical transition, my root to success was wanting to follow through more then I wanted to breath and not willing to sleep until I got there. Even after getting there I’m still not done only a small chance to take a deep breath and keep pushing through to the next level. I dug deep within me and fought through this with little help for many years. By no means is truthful realization an easy task but when you taste that glory the blood, sweat, and tears are far beyond worth it.

Listen to your heart, listen to your soul, listen to your path and strive for truth…


  1. […] This post was mentioned on Twitter by Khalid F.A., JAMEL BALENCIAGA. JAMEL BALENCIAGA said: VERY INSPIRATIONAL!!!. I CAN IDENTIFY WITH EVERY WORD!! Soul Searching: The Path to Comfort: […]

  2. تعلم البوكر says:


  3. Do you guys have an RSS feed?

  4. M3nt1c1d3 says:

    Hi , I must say, your article is interesting , yet, I think I should try find out more about the subject….
    I’ll keep an eye on u’r blog.

    • toyneboi says:

      That is the best to do when it comes to transition research research and more research. Everyone transition is not the same even when the ultimate goal may see the same. Thank you for taking the time to read and I look forward to seeing your comments on upcoming blogs.


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