Increase in Dysphoria, in pursuit of happiness…

Posted: August 19, 2010 in Bottom Surgery, Changes, DHT, Dysphoria, Growth, Male Ego, Metiodioplasty, Phalloplasty, POC = People Of Color, Pre-op, Pumping, Transgender, update

So today officially marks 1 month post top and about 2.5 months post hysto. I’ll post pictures later on both so you all can see the healing process etc etc. With things moving along I have noticed something and I somewhat expected it but not to the point its starting to get to. Pre-op top surgery I was focused on my chest, getting rid of it being sick of seeing it etc. but now that its not there my focus has shift and went into overdrive on my lower regions. I’m sitting here trying to figure this out asking am I the only one this has happened to which i probably know the answer is no but I feel like I am at times.

It’s just another one of those moments in time no one can really prepare you for only you can learn from your own experiences within the moment. My happiness is not shaken at all just a bit uneased when things seem so perfect to me in the mirror and then I see things still aren’t quite right. I never asked to be perfect and thats not my intent what so ever, but comfortable completely would be nice. Its amazing how your dysphoria can be alleviated to the point you almost forget whats its like to have it then to notice it did not leave yet shift itself is a bit hard to deal with but reality of things is it does happen. Now I’m not saying everyone has this issue but those of us like myself who had previous notions of lower dysphoria tend to be sitting in my shoes at this moment in time when we realize things still aren’t quite right.

111 days can seem like an entire lifetime in slow motion especially when you are in need of alleviation. Some just don’t understand how something that leaves you in pain you can be so ready for. But ask yourself this, love hurts but why do you always seek to find it? Same principals in every way you think about it on every level. Anything worth having, fighting for, loving, achieving, and the in between always comes with a price of pain. Whether it be mentally, physically, or emotionally. But one thing about pain is that it always subsides with time and patience.

To wake up from this will be the ultimate plateau, hitting the mountain top and finally getting to see the view on the other side. Climbing climbing and still never getting there is what I’m so very used to but to actually see the vastness of your surroundings is where I want to be. Getting to see what else life has in store for me is what I long for but as things stand I have a blockade that’s crippling me like that of a paraplegic person. A moment I have dreamt about for years and years and years and now to be down to a count in days is phenomenal yet at the same time bitter sweet in a sense.

It’s not one of those questions of will i ever be happy because I already know the answer to that and it is undoubtedly, yes. It’s not one of those questions of have I gone too far, really can anyone explain what transitioning too far is really? If the person in the position is happy then that was their path so worry about what makes you happy and it just might happen for you one day. It’s not about what someone else did so now I’m going to follow.

It is MY heart…

It is MY soul…

It is MY mind…

It is MY body….

It is everything I exist for and my intended purpose as Allah has seen fitting for me. So in turn is is MY PATH.

To reach the point in my life where i can accept who I am, where I have come from, and where I will be going is a mastered level of acceptance. So for those that assume just because i have surgery that I’m not happy you are sooooo wrong. It is only a understanding that you can have if you are in the shoes of that person. It is an understanding of what I know I need for my complete happiness within my body not myself. Being able to express my masculinity in a healthy and safe way was my happiness for self and soul surgery is my happiness for fleshly being. Without one the other can not function and I have learn that the hard way from trying to detach myself from my body in hopes that it would just die off on its own. But it never did the fire just burned brighter and deeper in the pit of my soul and would not stand to be ignored.

Dsyphoria is a blockade to me that is like any other obstacle in life. It is set there to test your will to proceed. Some people need to be tested more then others and in worse ways. These are the lessons that we are all taught transgender or cis-gender, why you ask? Because we are all human, we are all creations of our maker and he will do with us as he pleases. Our ultimate goal in life is to allow ourselves to follow the path he lays for us or ultimately go astray because we aren’t ready to see the blatant signs he lays.

My will has been tested and following my path it has been shown that i am to proceed on my righteous path to happiness. Listening to your heart can go a long way and keep you out of tight situations you never needed to be in. At times its ok to follow the crowd but there are other times when you should follow whats in you and not let other opinions effect your notions. This would be one of those times. Never take for granted your blessings because once they are gone that’s it.

My fight with dsyphoria is just showing my will to fight through all the pain that I will have to endure. I was brought into this world through pain so it is only right that my rebirth mimic the natural birth I was given. only this time I will see the light threw new eyes and awake one joyous man. Oh Yes that will be the moment of clarity, the moment of ultimate gratification, the moment that has been waiting for me. And yes I say waiting for me because everything is pre-planned whether we are aware we choose whether we see the pre-planned in our life’s choices thanks to the gift of free will.

Such a beautiful and glorious struggle we go through just to emerge a new…

It’s almost over…


  1. I know that feeling man. I had similar feelings when I was post top surgery. It was bitter sweet because as soon as I reached one milestone I just wanted to get past the last one so that I could be DONE!

  2. […] of my own: confronting my gender dsyphoria & eating disorders. this is not easy for me. gender identity. ambiguous body. anorexia […]

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