Wow so I’m down to 3 weeks now. It’s pretty surreal to sit here and think hat 3 weeks from now I’ll be prepping myself to get ready for top surgery. All these thoughts going thru my head i unsure realy how to feel because everything is just pouring in my mind all at once. A moment I’ve waited for so long is right there no longer an unknown date but something very tangible. I find myself laying awake at night, not due to stress filled insomnia but the racing thoughts of what is to come.
I try to invision my new form. How will it feel? How will I feel? All indescribable feelings that I wish had some degree of explanation. Quite possibly one of the most helpless feelings in the world, overwhelming excitement just kinda leaves you speechless.
I’ve watched alot of my friends hit this moment and shared it with them but to actually be here myself is so unreal for me. It seems like the closer I get to it the more my mind has opened up a whole new world of possiblities. I ask myself how much more complete I will feel and what will come with that socially, physically, and emotionally. I do find myself withdrawing from certain things not because they aren’t meaningful but because at this point in my life it is just time to move on. Staying stuck in revolving situations can lead to unhealthy development in the future. I planned my journey out some years ago but to see it playing out faster then I planned is a blessing but aldo has opened my eyes to things I was blind to before.
My sharing my story, life, transition, results, and emotions are here for education to the next man or his people of importance to his transition. For many unknown reasons I find myself coming in contact with people who say what I’m doing is out of bragging. I definiately did not know sharing was bragging. This is what happens to do many educational and open minded brothers, they meet those who rather blanket our lifes or those not up to speed and they become discouraged by all the negative feedback from people that honestly do not matter. If it wasn’t for the previous man sharing his journey tell me quite honestly where would any of us be? I know for a fact I would be waking on blind faith with drs and surgeons. It is extremely resourceful to have that knowledgable person who has been there to turn and ask questions.
I think more people should be corteous of this Ill minded intentions and keep them to themselves. Especially amoungst the transmasculine POC community. These motor mouths hav no real sense of direction with the things they recite and not to mention mess up good things for those that really really need that insight. Like I said I’ve been seeing alot as time winds down and I’m definately not impressed by my surroundings and when this happens I simply remove myself and focus on things of importance. Education, evolving, and progress of my fellow brother my 3 only concerns. Sour apples like to spoil the bunch they just get disposed around me.
You find a new found sense of realization when your no longer faced with struggle. Allah wanted me to see at this moment and no other the truth of the actions around me. Not so i can rant about them but more so that I could change if only in my circle the cycle of this non-sense and shed a more positive light on things.
On due time in deed…but my focus for now is surgery so that’s where I’m headed 3 weeks and counting down…