Why Not Stealth?

Posted: April 19, 2010 in Changes, Pre-op, Transgender, update

I have a little bit of different thinking as well as different ways. Im a rarity in more ways then one and it took me many years to see understand and respect that. For the most part i dont go around waving signs and saying “hey im trans look at me” but I dont ness try to hide it either. Being a man of color in this world we live in is hard enough but mix the fact im ftm puts a def spin on things. “your too open with who you are” what does that ness. mean? Am I not allowing those more ignorant to my struggle to see second hand how the lives of those in transition are? Am I not aiding in fellow transmen’s transition by showing example and telling of my struggles? Am I not breaking down barriers in misunderstanding and showing tried and true facts and reasons of why I do what I do? For some they may feel they dont need and/or want to share their journey but for me i do. I feel its unfair for me to have all these resources, experiences, and examples and not share my knowledge of who I am and where I have been and where I am going and how I got there. Over the period of physically transitioning I found it to be more then worth it doing so. Just reading some of the messages I receive from those who have never even met me or heard about me but just watching youtube videos i have made they are so grateful to have someone that they can relate to. Its a good feeling knowing your helping someone who feels alone, abandoned,a shame, or even at what seems to be the end of their road. You never know what a few kind words will do for someone and you also never know what the position is that someone else is in so be-careful as to how you handle someone else emotions and preferences to things because u just may break that already thin ice. Thats why i find myself reaching out as well, theres so many of us that struggle and they dont have to. Call it the humanitarian in me or just the fact i have a good spirit and hate to see those where i am struggling but i can t help myself. Not saying this is the best quality because at times it can lead to regrets and wasted time because many are not appreciative of you or your help but my mindset is well beyond that. I dont need commends to be thanked just knowing what i gave to you helped you move on to another step of your life is enough for me. Imagine if everyone on this struggle did what i did to help the next man…would there really be a struggle any more? Or would it become more of a movement to make sure that all of us and the future of men and women like us do not ever see struggle? Mere thoughts of my brain being plugged into storage but when will this become fact if ever? Only in my head i suppose but the thoughts give me this feeling of hope at least. I dont think i could ever cut off who i was but at the same time i dont make a scene of it in my everyday life. If im not true to myself then what am I really ever true to? Not saying those who chose not to disclose are wrong but just in my own life my own feelings of self i dont think it would be safe to do that to my mental status. It was already hard as hell hiding the fact of who i am for 20 years but then to transition for 2.5 then be thrown back in the realm of silence would dig deep. I like to think i have the proper balance between the 2 which keeps lots separated to a great degree. For the most part seeing me out and about i blend like every other heterosexual black male you may see. Nothing is off about me even down to my voice stature and demeanor but under the layers there is more to me. But who knows those minor details of my life during my everyday I choose to disclose not anyone else. I like readily having my trans status it lets those that need to identify me and seek out help they may need. It also let me be the poster child for visibility in the community. Theres nothing wrong with being yourself its the others around you that need to get a grasp on life and understand everyone is different no matter if the struggle is the same or not. We all have different paths guiding us. One must learn to live for no other but self only then will you ever have true happiness. I have learned that and watched my own mistakes many many times these patterns have lead to my ways of thinking and believing. Doing whats correct for me and me only is the only way to live and exist in a world full of stipulations and conditions on human privilege. I rather be outcasted and truly happy the included conformed and conflicted for the rest of my life. Liberal thinking is a beautiful occurrence



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