Reflection

Posted: March 13, 2010 in Changes, Pre-op, Transgender, update

20 months on T I sit and think about everything I’ve been through so far which prompts me to look over every picture I have taken of myself throughout my transition. I have been smart and recorded my progress every step of the way, video wise as well as pictures. It’s amazing to see myself Pre-t and now and then every step of the way. I remember myself whining about facial hair and looking back in the photos the times i was complaining made me realize I did have more hair then I seem to have thought at that point in time. Just looking back also makes me see how much of a man I have always been.

I’ve asked friends to look at my pictures pre t and post til now and they really have issues telling me which pictures are pre and which aren’t I LOVE IT!!! This means my life is flowing smoothly all it looks like is I hit puberty which is just how it should be for a growing young man. It also makes my life a lot easier, well with the exception of those freaking family photos floating around. Just glad I do not have to explains those to anyone.

In a few months time that will all be behind me. It’s exhilarating but at the same time has me antsy. Like this is what i have been waiting for, to be complete to be freed from all the fears and worries that have been bothering me for years. Like being locked in a small room with 2 windows and those windows being your eyes you able to see everyone address you wrong and your screaming “no no no that’s not me at all”.

It gets a bit rough when you have people that swear they know whats best coming to you and saying things like “you shouldn’t get this and that because it’ll come out bad” OR “You shouldn’t get that at the same time because it will mess you up” OR “you shouldn’t get bottom surgery because you will not have any feeling”. Now to have that coming from the outside world yea that’s a bit expected but def. not excepted but to hear that coming from those who are of the same struggle literally pisses me the hell off something serious. Why are you bothered and threatened by my advancement? Why would you stall a brothers progress by placing emotional and physical boundaries in their already complexes world? I understand being upset within your own struggle but staying mad at the world don’t even get you from point A to point B because your left floating in limbo. Now those that could’ve pulled you out of that limbo do not even trust you, thats sad. The majority of those letting this verbal diarrhea explode from their jaws have none of the things done they are advising against. Hear say is a disease go to the source my brother or forever be a follower.

As well as those of the same struggle who do not bother to do the research but always always think they know the facts. I would hate to blow any spots BUT truthfully speaking I have been doing research longer then most the guys I know have been on T. I believe it is due to my age people make this blatant assumption I’m just this young boy that knows nothing of my own existence, WRONG. Shame on you, looks are very deceiving. I am another old soul wrapped in a young man’s flesh respect or reject that I’m still going to be me.

I choose the things I choose surgically FOR MY PERSONAL GRATIFICATION AND NO ONE ELSE’S. Thank you for opinions but they mean nothing to my decisions because I have to live with me not you. IMO that is the biggest damn issue there is in the FTM community. There is a bit tooooo much following going on and not enough damn leading. No one wants to venture off to there own path everyone wants to follow someone else’s path. I applaud the men that I see taking steps, chances, and making their own choices to be the first for something. Yes I know it can be a bit scary, yes it can be a bit risky, BUT out of the men I talk to who have they wouldn’t have done a damn thing differently. This is how people end up not knowing the fruits of the tree because everyone is eating from the same branch. Don’t wait for the hottest name search your options locally you will be surprised what you find. Searching isn’t just google either if you see a guy in your area how about ask POLITELY where he got started. Just don’t turn into one of these damn guys that ONLY TALK TO OTHER GUYS WHEN YOU NEED SOMETHING. where i come from that’s called using and I don’t fuck with people like that my dude so if that’s you and your reading this you need to reevaluate our friendship and fast. I have no issues helping people but being taken advantage of for ones own personal game is not in my list of things to do.

I have watched people spend their last going across the country for surgery just to get home and find out there were a few surgeons who did the same thing and on top of that insurance would have paid for it. Life is hard as is but that’s a lot to just spend without researching alllllll possibilities. Maybe I’m just one of those guys that takes the value of what I can do with all that money saved very seriously. But then at the same time I understand where some come from as far as personal pref. because true indeed there is a bottom surgeon in my back yard BUT I have a personal pref. of going to another Dr. and coming out of pocket a generous amount for my bottom surgery. But my personal preference comes from years of research and not hear say so there is still a big general difference. Needles to say the cycle will continue I just don’t see the sense in following and then when you realize that was not for you its too late and your pissed off with results you could have avoided by simply just finding what was really right for YOU.

My completing steps bring a sense of calming but at the same time it’s making me think:

“What will the next chapter of this story hold?”

It’s an amazing journey and I’m glad I have all the documentation of it IF for no one else’s eyes my own. It is really spirit lifting to see such things on a bad day. Some of us have dysphoria to the point we run from our journey but in my stand point i embrace where I have come from because it makes me the man I am today. To each thier own but I’m going to do me and smile every step of the way.

I know misery loves company and for those that still wish to speak ill of my choices someone some where loves you, your going to need all the love you can get because your sad in more then one way. If less people worried about wtf everyone else was doing more shit in this world we get done seriously like big big time. Just some real shit no holds on what I speak reality has a bit of a bite it’s up to you if truth is something you accept or something you want to run and hide from makes no difference to me. Be happy with who YOU are and what YOU have and always remember there is someone else worse off then you. Stop destroying the path for others and instead lead the way through the battles.

And always remember:

IT ONLY TAKES A FEW WORDS TO SHATTER SOMEONES SELF ESTEEM IF YOU DO NOT ACCEPT SOMEONES RESULTS KEEP THE SHIT TO YOUR SELF ESPECIALLY IF YOUR NOT ON THE SAME LEVEL. BE HAPPY THAT THEY ARE AT A POINT IN LIFE WHERE THEY CAN FINALLY BREATHE BECAUSE YOU DO NOT REALLY KNOW THAT MAN’S INNER STRUGGLE.

Salaam

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