Bittersweet

Posted: March 11, 2010 in Changes, Pre-op, Transgender, update

Ever have those days where you want to celebrate so badly but everything you do reminds you of the simple fact that months away is a goal that seems so unobtainable? With everyday life continuing you realize that nothing is going to be put on pause for you and nothing will be at this great stand still like you want in order to get to your goals.

But what happens when you have 2 large goals? Do you pursue them both at the same time? Or must you sacrifice one in order to ease the pain in your life? The little things like going back to school to better my life I can’t even afford to do so not monetarily but afford as in time and space. This is one sacrifice I am going to have to make in order to ease this constant pain I have every waking moment. It hurts really bad because I really want to better myself. I don’t want to be working here and there just to get by. I don’t want to have to tell my kids I can’t do this and that for them because my job barely makes enough to feed me let alone do and give the things that all parents want to give to their children.

The things I do to be myself not only takes a toll on myself financially but educationally. The things that no one sees and no one acknowledges. Everyone is so set on what I am doing with my body to remember what about my well being. What about my future being? What about the things I can and can not do because of where I am at this point in my life. I look around at other men my age and I see them excelling even if they are doing nothing more then corner hustling. They usually have only a few things on their minds some more then others but at the end of the day they do not have this extra weight like I have. This extra blockage that continues to weigh me down in every way shape or form or the word. The little sacrifices or should I say not so little that go unseen while everyone is focused on other things. The world doesn’t stop for me but my life has stopped for me, truly living to the fullest extent has come to a halt in order for me to just breathe easy.

Every day I sit and think about these things and the words always run back in my head ” Your not transgender, you just choose to be this way”. So sad the ignorance that’s spread around this world. Shame on those that taught their children such blasphemy. Yes I surely did choose to take the steps to be whole but I did not choose how I am. I did not choose to have to put my dreams on hold, I didn’t choose to be uncomfortable within my skin, I didn’t choose to have to hide within myself. Some are uncontrollable and others are controlled by the twisted morals of this society but none the less the hurt is still there. I try to understand the logic around me but It just makes matters worse. I guess it is true, somethings are better left unsaid and unknown.

Another big sacrifice I have to make to be once step closer. I wish I could work and pursue school but because of my lack of educational background and a large recession I’m the last to pick on anyone’s list even fast food. So it is as it stands work is first, working and saving is all I can afford to do. Not just one job I have to find another as well just to get to where I need and want to be just so I can finally breathe and just live for a change. No matter how much I pray this fact will never change. It would be different if I had someone helping me save every day. I applaud those of you with spouses that do just that but for those like myself it’s a never ending struggle. At times leads to hopelessness but just when I feel myself sinking I’m reminded of where I have been and where I am going. It’s about the only thing keeping me afloat some days.

One day soon this will all be past…and i pray I wake up and that day be tomorrow I pray so hard for it to be tomorrow but reality is it isn’t. I’m ready for it to come, I’m ready to do what I want to do not just what i have to do. I’m ready to just be an avgerage 22 year old man trying to do good with his life and make a change in others.

But for now…

Salaam

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