Where Im Am, 20 months and 2 day on T

Posted: March 10, 2010 in Transgender

Well today is a good day…I really can’t complain. Everything that i wanted and prayed for is looking to be happening in all the right ways at the right pace. even though I am a very impatient person I have to find something to ease my mind. The days get closer to when things will start going into overhaul and I start to feel my mind wondering off into the distance of unlimited open questions with really no solid answers.

“What will my days be like after?”

or

“Will my chest be as I always imagined”

or

“What is life going to feel like to just live?”

To some people these questions have no real meaning at all. But for a man like myself they mean a lot. Not really knowing what it’s like to breathe easy always walking with my head slightly down just to avoid the eyes from the on lookers not that they are really watching me but in my conscious they are. They critique my every move they see right to the core of me and know the truth. But what really is the “truth” is a mere lie that my body has told to the outside world and I seek to correct that wrong. I’ve heard just about everything there is to hear when it comes to who I was thought to be and who I am now. It truly is amazing to watch your self blossom and grow into the person you have always seen in the mirror staring you in the face but no one, not even your parents could see.

People softly chuckle when I tell them about my vivid dreams as a child or even the ones I have now of being complete and 100% male. I don’t call it a dream more like a reality that I’m taking into my own hands. I really honestly and truthfully thought I would never get where I am today. Not just because of my trials and tribulations but because of my depression. It’s a killer in every way shape and form. Most that know me personally would never even imagine I could even achieve such a thing but fact is I have been depressed most of my life just because I couldn’t breathe. Not physically but mentally, emotionally, spiritually locked within myself made to fit a mold I was never supposed to fit in.

And to think people actually think to themselves “Oh he made that choice, why would he want to do something like that?” Really honestly look at yourself in the mirror and tell me what you don’t like about your physical self, then ask your self one thing “Did I do this to myself or is this just how I am?”. 95% if not 100% of you will answer this is just how I am. Well my friend this is just how I am and there is nothing I could do about it. I didn’t choose this I wish every day of my life I would never ever ever have to do this never have to go through nights of not being able to sleep because I can not focus. Days where I don’t even want to leave the house due to embarrassment of my being and who I was “supposed” to be. Not being understood and having no one to turn to with out a million bias comments that did nothing but tear down my self esteem and pushed me further within myself. Some people never really realize how much you can do to a person just by stating facts of ignorance. We, as in the men and women like myself, do not choose this life we lead just like you do not choose yours so please just have the humanity and be polite.

Over coming life boundaries and hurdles I realized a lot of things. One main thing being, this is my transition and do not trust it in the hands of anyone but myself. No one outside of this struggle will ever fully understand. And for those that “claim” this struggle those are those ones people should really raise eyebrows at. I love myself enough to know that it was now or never, I needed to be me. Not something anyone else wanted or needed. July 9th, 2008; I had the last taste of the past and changed my life forever. 612 days later I am blessed to say I have made it this far. 612 days later I wouldn’t go back or do anything differently I have been taught and shown a lot. 612 days later I am less then 60 days away from being partially complete and 9 months away from being completely done never to look back never to shed another incomplete tear never to have to feel humiliation from the past. There will be no past on my present and future. And everything I have been through has shown me that it is ok if I have to walk this alone. It is ok if no one ever understands, excepts, or loves who I am because in the end of all this all that matters is I lived a wonderful meaningful life and I did all I could for everyone I could when ever my life would allow.

I’m proud of myself, I’m amazed at myself, and i wouldn’t trade myself for the world. I am who I am and my life is just that. I’m not unlike the billions of others on this earths surface I’m special within my own means and that makes me who I am. My own unique identifier the thing that reminds me I have a pulse. Before I couldn’t say this at all but I can say this now, I love myself. I made a promise to 2 very important men in my life that are no longer here and I refresh that in my mind constantly. Losing them was like two thirds of my completion, wanting to show them my accomplishments but maybe its better where they are not just for them but for me now they can have more say of what happens with their baby brother. I just do what I can to make them proud. The more I push the more I’m given so I have to keep it going even when I feel like there is not real point in tomorrow I have to keep it going. Not just for myself but for everyone around me. Someone out there some place is waiting to hear words like mine, waiting to get help from a person like me, waiting to just simply be told “your not alone anymore” I can’t let that go unnoticed its not fair because I know how it feels. Agreed there are certain things you should keep to oneself but when it comes to progression of ones life to not help is like aiding in their murder. Not on my hands by any means.

I am who I am and that is who I am going to be, no correction I am who I am but there will be more to me then who I was and who you see even now. It took 1 10ml vial to change my whole outlook on the life set before me imagine what these last 2 steps will do. Those that have watched me over this time know how much I have changed and I thank you for being there and even those that have left I still thank you for showing me truth behind false tendencies.

Now I am just to keep my eye on the prize and make the best of things…this is truly and adventure and I can’t wait to watch things unfold.

For now…

Salaam

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