313 days on and my life’s story…well some of it so if you dont like long don’t bother reading

Posted: May 21, 2009 in Changes, depression, post t, Pre-op, Transgender, update

I’m doing pretty ok i suppose a bit under at the moment but it’s for other reasons besides transition. 313 days of a new life well over due…here’s a picture so you can see a little difference…excuse the hair in the first pic i needed my mop done. Something I did notice I looked like i got taller in the pic, and they say it can’t happen lol.

Yesterday was the first day i actually got some decent sleep in months…13.5 hours to be exact. I feel like the energizer bunny right now. AWESOME!

DISCLIAMER FOR FAMILY MEMBERS THAT MAY READ THIS: I LOVE YOU TO DEATH BUT THE TRUTH IS THE TRUTH THIS IS MY BLOG AND I NEEDED TO VENT. SO IF I OFFEND YOU I’M SORRY BUT AT THE TIME YOU DID NOT RESPECT ME EVEN AS A HUMAN LET ALONE YOUR SON.

Have you ever felt yourself not wanting to look at other peoples pics, not transition wise but just things they get to do everyday that you can’t do or have never done in your life? I get like that at times. It’s like deep down I know I should be able to do this and that but because of how my life has been I feel like I miss out on so so much. Vacations, road trips, parties, etc. I was never the kid invited to parties, couldn’t go to sleep overs, my mom would barely let me leave the area because I always had kids to watch cuz she was too fucked up and would leave for days at a time. I ended up getting abused like this but that’s another story. My dad always put his GF’s first so it was kinda like long as your alive whatever. Hell i really didn’t have friends in school and all my friends were the “unpopular” kids, most of their parents we racist so that was a no go. I think this is one of my main triggers of campus life that scares me and make me not want to go to school on campus but online instead, everything no matter what seems to repeat itself in my life.

The only reason my parents got married was because of me, by 3 months old they were separated(they didn’t divorce until my 18th bday). My mother was strung out and my father was overseas so my grandmother raised me till I was 7. I should have never left her side. I wasn’t spoiled but I never wanted for anything. Even though for 2 years I held a secret from her. The day I left to live with my dad my whole life changed.

Living with my dad I was basically on my own, I had to fend for myself the Marines, Gym, and Women consumed my father’s attention. Yes it is a fact this man sat his own child down to my face and told me “MARINES ARE FIRST YOU ARE A SECOND PRIORITY”. His only child, the one he is suppose to love more then life itself he tells this to. Now I’m not even worthy enough to have a picture on his facebook page but my cousins, his wifes children and everyone else are. Does he hate me that much or does he hate my mother that much which makes him hate me too? The one GF he had since I was a baby he cheated on her and made her leave my life. I think that is one of the most foulest things he has done by far, she loved me she raised me she was there when my mother would lie and say she was coming to get me and I sat in the window for hours waiting, she was like my mom. He once took me to San Fransisco and I got cussed out the whole way there(11 hours from 29 palms CA) because he thought I told his ex he was trying to still get with about him seeing another chick in San Fran. I didn’t even know anything about the lady or us going to San Fran, I was at school all day and didn’t even know we had a trip planned till I got home. The words he said hurt so bad “your not shit just like your good for nothing mother”. I remember it and it plays over and over in my head ever day till this day. Then we get back home and his best friend confesses to telling his ex, till this day he has never said sorry. He would let his girlfriends talk to me just about anyway they pleased. I remember I was outed by his ex’s daughter for having a GF at 12 and he stood there while she told me I was disgusting and God hated me and I was going to burn in hell. Followed by her kicking me out of the house, mind you him still standing there, I was 12 ppl. Then the faithful day his GF asked me to make her coffee and her son washed dishes using bleach I rinsed out the coffee pot well and proceeded to make it like i always do. I go to my room lock the door as I always did when I was sleeping to be awakened by a state trooper standing over me handcuffing me and taking me to his car. No shoes no socks just a beater and bball shorts. She told my dad I tried to kill her because she tasted bleach in her coffee (did anyone see where i said i didn’t wash dishes?). I was committed for 3 weeks, until they finally figured out I did nothing wrong but by then I was severely depressed so they had to put me on something. I wasn’t even allowed to sleep in my own house I had to stay with neighbors, I cried all day at school the next day. THEN he listens to the broad after I warned him all she wants to do is get rid of me and then she is going to leave you. He sends me off to my mom’s after driving 3 hours to LAX, when he gets home then soon after all this she is gone, her stuff is gone, her kids are gone, and the house is bare. Karma karma karma

I get to my mother’s boy oh boy, kiss my whole life good bye on wheels. I never did anything, went anywhere, and always had to defend myself in my own house. Why you ask coke, crack, and alcohol. It was a routine fri-mon my house was full of crack heads and alcys. I always had kid s to watch becaous my mother would get strung out and drunk and disappear for days at a time. I ended up getting abused by my brother and sisters father like this, hence me keeping something from my grandmother for 2 years. I would visit my mom summer and holidays and this would happen all the time form 5-11 I was a personal play toy. BUT enough about that crap…Middle and HS with my mother sucked for all ot the above and below reasons. Most times I just sat by myself for 6 hours at school then I would go home and sit in my room smelling a mixture of cigs and crack rising through the vent due to my room was above the kitchen. They didn’t even care to conceal it and my syblings were in the living room while they did this in the kitchen. It pissed me off so much so so much bad enough I was as old as I was and had to deal but they were just babies. Then it was hearing yelling, screaming and drunkenness all night until I would have to go down stairs and fight my step father cuz he would be beating on my mother. When they weren’t fighting and she was jsut there drunk she would call me down stairs and pick arguments with me. This landed me in juve over 30 times, around the 3rd time I was there the stupid state caught on that it was not me that was the issue it was her. Especially after me telling my P.O. that i rather be in juve that in my own house. I was put in foster care and that was 208476 times worse then being at her house. Then they tried a group home, they should’ve just put me in a damn box on the corner for all that bullshit. This is why I dread living with my mother, but this time around since I am grown she really doesn’t mess with me but just all the prior thoughts get to me a lot.

I admit my childhood or should I say lack there of was horrible and it has made me a bit bitter towards certain things. I’m not saying I’m hating on anything thats just not in my nature. I’ve been raped, beaten, abused, used, neglected, and much more but none of these people that caused this pain do I hate. No matter if someone has what I don’t have I always commend them on their success. I’ve always been the nice guy and at time it leads to a blatant smack in my face by those I’ve been there for. I digress…

Like some times I feel myself losing grips on things and having urges to dissociate myself from the rest of the world for good. Not speaking of death but just going far far far away from every thing I’ve ever known. The things and people I hold dear don’t seem to return the favor. Kind of like when you don’t really like someone but you play the i’m going to smile and nod game. I’ve live most of my life like that and it hurts a lot.

People say I don’t smile, what for? Half the time I have to force it because deep down besides my T and my boys I have nothing to smile for. I have nothing to really look forward to. And your probably saying ok yea you do Toyneo, but in all truthful standings I don’t. My life has been one long big ass circle. I go from having my own and to having nothing, to having my own to having nothing, I know i deserve so much more I know I need so much more. But I really don’t know what the problem is then the less heartful people will say “thats just life it happens”, 21 years of a revolving never ending circle is a long time for it to be “just life happening”.

Oh well I assume another day and the same stuff once again…Just had to get this off my chest….

peace

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Comments
  1. Sean W says:

    “My life has been one long big ass circle. I go from having my own and to having nothing, to having my own to having nothing, I know i deserve so much more I know I need so much more”…..

    that line right there hit home

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