So there’s a certain point in time after surgery that you have to stop and take a moment and realize you just had surgery. It’s one of those moments that you just become overwhelmed with emotion but at the same time you just have to sigh in relief because finally your complete. Finally you can breathe without any worry, without any doubt, without any fear you can just be you. There was a day probably about 2 weeks post op  that I just stopped  and had to reflect…

“wow I finally have what I have been fighting for!”

To reach down and feel yourself finally seems natural to so many people but for somebody that’s just getting what they need it’s the most mind-boggling experience of your life. It’s one of those self appreciation moments without the adult material but just reflection surely and solely on the fact that you are one within yourself finally. To be fully aware of your genitals no longer being a figment of your well made thoughts hopes and dreams but to truthfully be within the right anatomical space it just leaves you a bit speechless.

Like a parent with a newborn you must take the time to get to know you again.  To become at peace with you again as the healing process is far from a walk in the park and can leave you a tad bit warn.  So many emotions run through you at first that it’s hard but it has been something I agreed to do from the very start.  Is to set aside that time each day for self appreciation and just getting to know and understand my anatomy.  Many think instantly of pornographic material, how ever fun that maybe lol, that’s not what I’m talking about. I had to take the time to stand fully nude in the mirror and see myself for everything that I always wanted to see staring back at me.  I look right past the scars and I see the perfect perception of myself  finally. To say I have reached that point all within itself is something to be proud of. Physically holding my penis in my hand feeling the tug it gives to my body that sends signals to my brain letting me know it’s present that’s the most amazing phenomenon to me. Looking over my penis to learn it’s curves and different variations feeling the warmth and knowing it’s not a packer or anything like that and keeps my body temperature is mind blowing. I love myself  finally fully from head to toe and it’s taken a long time and alot of tears to get here. But what’s love without the honesty?

I think so many people get caught up in the surgical portions they forget the aftermath. They forget they have to bond with themselves and their new addition. Especially within the first few month when your penis is pretty insensanate for the most part (this highly varies person to person on when you get sensation back) and you have to play the sensation test game. In this time I’m learning new things about me and my expectations from healing and overall life with my new addition. Spending this time and literally making Thor my best friend.  It seems odd but when there is no bond between yourself and your new penis I’ve seen many get what is almost like post partum and regret everything and get really depressed. So in order to avoid this from happening I prepared myself.  I spent alot of pre  op time making peace with my legs and making peace with what soon would be. I believe it’s saved me alot of stress and post op traumatic experience.  As for some I think the process is literally a shock to ones system and it takes longer for them to adjust then they first thought.  As well as post op depression can last way longer then anyone can anticipate simply due to all the possible ups and downs with healing..  Admittedly that was something I had ton fully wrap my head around all these years… The what ifs. But there comes a time in life when you have to stop living in fear and just take a chance. And these past 7 years have taught me so so so much about just living and taking a chance. Some turned out horrible but for the most part as they say  everything happens for a reason and a season and I’m thankful for the good and the bad. It’s allowed me to think ahead and prepare for the worst even when I’m guaranteed the best,  because we’ll let’s face it unless it’s the Lord himself nothing is guaranteed for us.

I take pride in the man I am  and I went back and forth about this for a while but I’m perfectly fine and no longer even care who knows, who may happen to see me naked, who may happen to have issues with my life or what surgery I choose to complete that because truly I have one judge and no one on this earth can change that. I live to make me happy and do good deeds everything else is circumstantial. Being without a kick of dysphoria has definitely changed me, my outlook on life, and the way I express myself  it’s amazing what 34 days with what I’ve needed my entire life has changed so much about everything. Life never felt so beautiful  to me and to think I haven’t even got to explore post surgery yet. It’s like a whole new door of options in my life has opened wide and welcoming me right on in.  I had to look back at my original transition  time line from when I was 14…i really am spot on when I say I want something done I go get it done and then some! Almost 14 years later and I’m right where I wanted to be.  So what I’m lacking in some areas that others deem I’m supposed to be up on, my journey inside transition and out of is still my own and I dictate what happens and when with a bit of help from the bug man up stairs. I have to remind myself due to other people’s expectations of me that I still am only 26 years old and have done what many only dream of and that in itself is an accomplishment that I will and am going to be proud of.  I found myself not wanting to share my surgical  success due to not wanting to feel like I’m bragging. But you know what I’ve earned every bit of who I am and I’m going to be proud of that as well. So I’m going to share as much  and as little as I choose and no longer be afraid or ashamed.  Because someone somewhere is reading these thoughts and advice that I give and it’s changing their life for the better.

I found I had a stand off with myself being apart of the active community. I was getting pretty bent out of shape and I realize for every person that twists me the wrong way there’s 10 people to replace them and 10 more to stand by my side and get things done properly. As they say there is more then one way to skin a snake and that’s what life is all about.  I don’t have to be the face of anything as my words and voice speak volumes. There are alot of things I plan on doing to stay involved but not in the same ways as I did before and I’m excited about that as well.  Such a shame I almost let idiots ruin my mission that I started almost 7 years ago… To tell the truth by any means necessary. Because we as a community deserve the truth and no longer should have to get sub par care in any way shape or form… But that’s another story for another day…

Moral of this post is, I appreciate myself and I appreciate this journey I’ve been through and I look forward to turning the page to close this book and writing the preface for the next adventure known as…. “My Life”

Until next time…

Salaam


Damn time flies when your paying no attention! Soon I’ll be a year and not even realize.  It’s so crazy that this time last year I was hoping praying and wishing that I would be at this point and now look at me!

I think the hardest  thing to adjust to is the weight of the phallus when it was in severely swollen mode. Now that alot of that is subsiding it’s becoming alot easier to manage and wear down.  I’ve found myself now wearing two pair of underwear. One used to support the padding that I have around my scrotum which are usually too small to hold Thor in.  So I pull  him through the flyer him hang down and put on boxer briefs. Definitely fixes the issue and makes me wayyyy less vulgar than a towel in my undies for support. Some things definitely  are taking some getting used to but for the most part I’m settled in right at home with no issues. It’s become totally normal for me to sleep with my penis damn near straight up in the air lol.  Elevation is still on the agenda. Kind of wish that it was like top surgery and I could just put on a post op binder (speaking of which I need to be buying another one for this revision).

One word from the wise in regards to this entire procedure… Stool softeners are your best friends! My life had turned to hell on wheels  due to Norco and no stool softeners.  That was the source of my late night ER visit and that was soooooooo not fun. So warning those going to lower surgery but any other surgery keep them stool softeners handy and make sure they are at least 250mg  taken twice a day!

But really what today signifies is 257 more days until stage 2! I can not wait to see my glans.  Due to the anti one sac scrum I have lol my testicles  may have to wait until Dec with the erectile device because I want everything properly  healed over.  And my sac just refused during this stage to stay as one due to its 4 years as two separate testicles that formed very noticeable capsules.  That’s why it totally all looks like I have balls in an empty sac.  I’m going to see if he can use stronger suture that dissolves at a slower ratio because I literally healed faster then my sutures were expected as well as the surgeons.

I was a little nervous  about this weds procedure because I will be awake butttttt if it goes south  and I start freaking out all they have to do is put me to sleep not that hard lol. But basically he will be scraping the dead tissue (necrosis) from the tip of the phallus (I do not lose and first or length it’s like peeling a scab) debridging  any unhealthy tissue from the healthy tissue.  And then carefully resuturing the tissue to encourage it to heal back together as it once was. This will allow me to fully use my urethra as it totally works the only leak was the one at that hole site. Only downside is I’m held captive by this wonderful  suprapubic catheter for another 3 weeks but that’s an even trade off  I suppose.

I just love how crane is so attentive.  He said normally he would make people wait 6 months for a repair but in my case and specific  healing situation he feels it’s beyond safe to do so. I didn’t swell as long as others he said a good 70% of my major swelling has already subsided and he’s not to  far off about that as I can totally tell the difference when he hangs.  When I was overly swollen felt like I was carrying around  a thirty pound dick lol. Now it feels about 2-5 pounds.  So the weight is still getting its bearings but definitely  more confident as the base sutures are totally healed over!  It’s so amazing how fast I heal like truly.

Mobility is improving I can walk alot further unassisted but I do have a wheelchair at the respite I’m in just for those days I don’t feel like walking or I can take it with me just in case I get tired and need to sit. I’m going to graduate to a cane stool soon.  My left leg is decent no issues besides being dark pink turning brown. Tight leg kinda stiff but with them staples gone it’s soooooooo much easier to walk.  Just have to be careful to bend the knee then my leg gets a little shaky. Other than that I should be back to normal  within the next two three weeks or so.

But over all I LOVE  my new best friend and I’m having so many missed moments with him already. Finally seeing what my underwear should look like what I stand sit and lay… Packers did nooooo justice but this was perfect.  I always found the Packers to be too skinny for what I desired.  I always wanted and knew I was supposed to have a thicker penis of decent length.  And now that’s exactly what I have! I’ll eventually  post here and there but the most pics will be seen in a book I’ll be publishing next…. My post may get a bit spread out however my pictures won’t be I take them every day along with video and the few I have entrusted so far have gotten  live access already. I definitely  appreciate the positive feedback :)

Other then that you might get lucky and see something on Fetlife  if your lucky enough to know how to find my page and I add you as a friend lol ;)

But I’m chilling until then!

 

Salaam